1) Gay marriage is not natural, and, as Americans, we reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and liposuction.
2) Gay marriage will encourage straight people to be gay in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because dogs have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. Women are still property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriages would be less meaningful if gay marriage was allowed. The sanctity of Brittany Spear’s 55 hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed upon an entire country. That’s why we only have one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and female figure in a home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage would change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.